Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
