Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
