my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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