Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
