i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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