its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
