I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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