we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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