Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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