he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
