Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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