She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
