Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
