I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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