is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
