so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
