I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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