I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
