Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
