Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
