I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
