My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
