drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
