I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
