the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
