I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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