Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
