Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
