you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
