nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
