Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
