i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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