I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
