OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
