im about as happy as oj after his trial
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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