"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
