OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
