You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
