theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
