if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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