I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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