Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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