I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
