What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am midnight drunk by noon
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
