Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
