First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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