well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
