He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
