I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
