I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We left an ass print on the piano.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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