And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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