i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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